If you have ever avoided telling a colleague the hard truth because you “didn’t want to hurt their feelings,” leadership consultant Kim Scott says you might have done more harm than good. Speaking in a TED Talk, Scott, author of the bestselling Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity, revealed that one of the most painful mistakes of her career was born out of what she calls “ruinous empathy” — the tendency to care so much about someone’s feelings that you fail to give them the feedback they need to succeed.
She recalled hiring a colleague, “Alex,” who was loved by everyone in the office for his humour and charm. But his work was consistently subpar and riddled with errors. Instead of being direct, Scott kept offering vague encouragement. Ten months later, she had to fire him. His shocked response — “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you all cared about me” — made her realise that withholding criticism can be just as damaging as delivering it harshly.
The four quadrants of workplace feedback
Scott’s approach to feedback is built around a simple two-by-two framework she calls “radical candor,” which balances two dimensions: caring personally and challenging directly.
When challenge outweighs care, it turns into “obnoxious aggression” — blunt criticism that may be correct but is delivered without empathy. At the opposite extreme is “manipulative insincerity,” where neither care nor honesty is present, often manifesting as gossip or passive-aggressiveness. But the most common pitfall, she says, is “ruinous empathy” — caring so much about being nice that you let problems fester.
“When jerks win, culture loses,” Scott warned in her talk, as quoted from the TED transcript. “If you see your team slipping into ruinous empathy, you can move toward radical candor. It won’t solve all problems, but it allows people to fix mistakes.”
From office culture to national discourse
Scott emphasises that this principle extends beyond office walls. She noted that entire societies can fall into a similar trap — avoiding honest conversations with those who hold opposing views. She recounted being invited to speak at a company whose policies she disagreed with and considered declining. But she decided to go, believing that “unchallenged beliefs become prejudices.”
By listening without trying to change minds immediately, she found unexpected common ground. One attendee told her, “You don’t seem like an evil person” — a thought she had just had about them minutes earlier.
How to practice radical candor
Scott’s advice for leaders and colleagues alike:
She recalled hiring a colleague, “Alex,” who was loved by everyone in the office for his humour and charm. But his work was consistently subpar and riddled with errors. Instead of being direct, Scott kept offering vague encouragement. Ten months later, she had to fire him. His shocked response — “Why didn’t you tell me? I thought you all cared about me” — made her realise that withholding criticism can be just as damaging as delivering it harshly.
The four quadrants of workplace feedback
Scott’s approach to feedback is built around a simple two-by-two framework she calls “radical candor,” which balances two dimensions: caring personally and challenging directly.
When challenge outweighs care, it turns into “obnoxious aggression” — blunt criticism that may be correct but is delivered without empathy. At the opposite extreme is “manipulative insincerity,” where neither care nor honesty is present, often manifesting as gossip or passive-aggressiveness. But the most common pitfall, she says, is “ruinous empathy” — caring so much about being nice that you let problems fester.
“When jerks win, culture loses,” Scott warned in her talk, as quoted from the TED transcript. “If you see your team slipping into ruinous empathy, you can move toward radical candor. It won’t solve all problems, but it allows people to fix mistakes.”
From office culture to national discourse
Scott emphasises that this principle extends beyond office walls. She noted that entire societies can fall into a similar trap — avoiding honest conversations with those who hold opposing views. She recounted being invited to speak at a company whose policies she disagreed with and considered declining. But she decided to go, believing that “unchallenged beliefs become prejudices.”
By listening without trying to change minds immediately, she found unexpected common ground. One attendee told her, “You don’t seem like an evil person” — a thought she had just had about them minutes earlier.
How to practice radical candor
Scott’s advice for leaders and colleagues alike:
- Start by soliciting feedback before giving it.
- Praise meaningfully, not as a “head fake.”
- Be clear when work isn’t meeting expectations so people have the chance to improve.
- Gauge reactions — if someone is upset, lean in on care; if they dismiss you, lean further into challenge.
- When you’re angry, get curious, not furious.
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